GAY MAN
I knew it.
SANDEY
Knew what?
GAY MAN
You’re gay! Congratulations! Sandey you don’t ever have to deal with crazy women
again! You’re part of the club!
SANDEY
Thanks....Oh, but wait...that won’t work....
GAY MAN
Why not?
SANDEY
I’m not gay.
GAY MAN
But of course you are! How else could you ever know so much about musicals?
SANDEY
My mother used to take me?
GAY MAN
I rest my case.
SANDEY
Only gay men have mothers. Interesting.
GAY MAN
Okay, tell me this...Did you ever want to play ball or go to a hockey game with
your Dad?
SANDEY
Never.
GAY MAN
Trust me, Sandey, you’re gay.
SANDEY
That would certainly explain why I have so much trouble with women.
GAY MAN
See?
SANDEY
And I’ve always felt more comfortable around gay men than around straight ones,
especially rednecks or jocks.
GAY MAN
Of course.
SANDEY
Well then, great. I guess I’m gay....Oh shit!
GAY MAN
What?
SANDEY
I'm sorry but I can’t be gay.
GAY MAN
Why not? Give me one good reason.
SANDEY
Actually I have two. One; sexually speaking, I’m not turned on by men at all
while, unfortunately, I continue to be very much turned on by women.
GAY MAN
We can fix that.
SANDEY
You think so?
GAY MAN
Trust me. What’s the other reason?
SANDEY
Liza.
GAY MAN
What about Liza?
SANDEY
I don’t like her.
GAY MAN
You don’t like Liza?!
SANDEY
No. Not even a little bit. I think she’s a cow.
GAY MAN
A what?!
SANDEY
A cow. A phony, talentless, grotesque cow.
GAY MAN
Hey! You watch your mouth, mister!
SANDEY
Sorry, but to me she comes off like a butch male impersonator doing Judy.
GAY MAN
Stop it!
SANDEY
And her voice? My God, when she screams out one of those horrible, warbled notes
of hers....
GAY MAN
Enough! Tell me, have you ever seen “The Sterile Cuckoo”?
SANDEY
No.
GAY MAN
“Liza With a Z”?
SANDEY
Nope.
GAY MAN
I didn’t think so. Sandey, you are not allowed to speak Her holy name again
until you do.
SANDEY
You got it. Still think I can be in your club?
GAY MAN
You like Bette?
SANDEY
Midler? You kidding? I love her! She’s great!
GAY MAN
How about the Indigo Girls? Never mind...that was a stretch.
SANDEY
So regarding my being gay...?
GAY MAN
Okay, you can come to the meetings; you just can’t vote...
(scene from "Picklehaus" by SG)
I've had that conversation before, and although I still don't quite understood
what "confidence" might have to do with one's sexual preference, I've always
accepted the fact that I was a heterosexual. Regardless of the fact that I was
mostly raised by my Mom and therefore required to know, at an early age, how to
cook and make my own bed, I have always been always attracted (sexually as well
as, for the most part, intellectually) to the females of the planet (and until
now, would seemingly always end up giving my heart to the least deserving I
could find), while those of my own gender, sexually speaking, did little for me,
and when a group of them would gather, engaged in soundly spats over sports or
burp punctuated braggings proclaiming previous nights prowess, nothing at all.
And even though Mom would continually fill my every pour with a love of the
aesthetic (and an obscene knowledge of musical theatre) my preference has
(again, until now) remained constant; although "some of my best friends" are men
(gay and straight), I have always sought the company of women, in and out of the
bedroom. But that was then...
"Then" was BK (before Katie). Then, even in a "relationship", I never fully lost
my interest nor was my reaction lessened by the sight of the female form, no
matter who's. And if a particular type of woman were to catch my eye (the type
in question usually being petite, blond and small breasted) or were I to
accidentally, in my research or work, stumble across some obscene web site,
filled with pictures of naked, nubile nymphs of similar description, I admit to
having felt a certain shameful sense of stimulation, however brief. But I
shrugged it off, for I knew that this was typical heterosexual behavior and I
never questioned it. But AK (after Katie), I find things strangely and
dramatically different. Now I discover that not only am I no longer attracted to
that previously described type, regardless of whether revealed to me in print or
in person, to my surprise I no longer feel even the slightest iota of sexual
stimulation from ANY type of woman or man, save from her. It's not that my
desires or libido have in any way diminished since meeting this spectacular
woman; quite the opposite in fact; it's just that now I'm forced to accept that
there is only one human being on this planet who causes my heart to race, my
chemistry to alter, my body to ache with lustful longing while, at the same
time, when face to face with any of the remaining populous, I experience much
the same sexual stimulation I would as I do when gazing at, say, a tree or a
cloud. I must admit that this change frightened me at first, but now I've come
to acknowledge the facts as they are, have chosen to, as suggested in the Zen
saying, "ride the horse in the direction it's going", and have actually grown
proud of what I've since become. And it's time to share it with the world: I am
no longer a heterosexual...
I am a (confident) katiesexual.