in the eyes (12/8/5)

The two most important events in my life both involved meeting people, and they both involved eyes. One was when I met my real father, the second was when I first saw my true love.

I was adopted and raised by very quiet, conservative Jewish parents and, my looking Irish and from an early age on being neither quiet nor conservative, the fact that I was an adopted child could only have been more obvious were I Asian or Black. And yet I was fine in my role as the loud, demonstrative, goyisha looking kid and grew up never really needing to seek out my real family (I liked to think I was the secret love child of Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn and that one day the truth would be known by all). It wasn't until sometime during my marriage when, after putting off having children for a couple of years, my wife Karen explained to me the reason she was reluctant was she was worried that I didn't know my real family medical history (I later discovered that was an excuse and even although it seemed we both were interested before the wedding, she never wanted children...another reason we eventually split up) so I hired an agency who specialized in such things and six months later the results came in; my mother, Peggy Shaw from Ireland (I knew it!), died back in 81 while my father, Marty Littman, owned a bar in Orange County.

After calling, Karen and I went to the bar, Marty's Cocktails, and waited for him to come in and to meet us. She joked with me, pointing to the different local drunks asking, "you think that's him?" but I truly believed that when I saw my father, I would know. Finally a bear of a man walked in and you could feel the energy of the room change. People who moments before seemed nearly unconscious were on their feet waiting their turn to hug this loud and laughing spirit. After making the rounds he walked towards us, first warmly welcoming Karen to his bar and then, finally, turning to me. He took my hand, smiled and at first, I could say nothing...for I was shocked to see that this man had my eyes. And in that one second my life changed forever. His touch, his smile and the sparkle of those eyes all said without words what he would later say to me many times, "Welcome home, Son". The epiphany I felt in that instant was not so much that he was actually real, but more it was an affirmation that I was. Suddenly I knew that I didn't just appear on this planet one day in July as I had grown up to believe; I came from him. He died ten years after we first met, and they were ten truly wonderful years, but it was that first second of that first meeting, and it was seeing those eyes for the first time, that will always remain one of the two most important moments of my life.

The other was meeting Katie. I was living in Redwood City at the time someone who ended up being the last (and the very worst) of the series of Ice Queens I seemed to be always drawn to and working at the Tahoe Faire as the Sheriff Hugh Sportingwood (yes, I am). I was walking through the faire after the opening gate ceremony and happened to glance to my right, seeing what at first appeared to be some kind of Renaissance Faire Wench Petting Zoo; a fenced in space with no booth or stand, with nothing more than an open pit and two women, just standing there. I was about to nod and move on but something stopped me. For I saw her. And a feeling as strong as the one I felt when I first looked into my Father's eyes consumed me. Even though she resembled no woman I had ever been with before in my life, I somehow knew beyond a doubt that this was indeed "The One". I stood there, a kept man living with a controlling, angry woman in a textbook described dysfunctional relationship, hundreds of miles away from my hometown and family, suddenly face to face with the woman of my dreams. Terrific.. I walk towards her and said hello and when I saw her eyes, any doubt I might have had back in the street (very little) was gone. My God! My heart raced like a rabbit and my palms started to sweat. I couldn't leave, and so I ended up hanging around her as much as possible, feeling (and coming off as well) like a retarded teen left with little more than a vacant smile. So I smiled and it was a smile of sadness, for what could I do? Looking into my Father's eyes was an empowering and joyous moment, while finally face to face with this woman, "The Woman", was just the opposite; all my life I knew she was out there somewhere and now, finally, I found her, only I'm with somebody else, someone not her. Life seemed cruel to me and I felt a pain as if I had lost something important, someone truly special, even before we had ever met.

(I did manage to tell her, as the master of under-statement, that I thought she had pretty eyes, which apparently scored me points early on because, for some reason, most men don't seem to look at her eyes at all!)

During one of my failed attempts at finding love in all the wrong places (and people), my Dad, in true "Courtship of Eddie's Father" form, sat me down and said, "Son, the right woman is out there and one day you'll find her. She'll care about you as much as you care about her; she'll consider your happiness as important, and sometimes even more so, than her own. She'll be decent and warm and have a good and loving heart. And you'll see it all in her eyes. When you find her, Son, you'll know."

(He was right of course, and the universe agreed, for she and I are together.)

Two meetings. Each one life changing. And even though I will always treasure in my heart the many memories of the time I spent with my Father, even though each second with Katie has been truly blessed and better than the one before, the most memorable moment of each of these two very different events happened in the exact same place...

...in the eyes.

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