Since I clearly have only one thing (well person, actually) on my mind and am obviously incapable of writing about anything or anybody else at the moment, I've invited some guest bloggers to fill in while I persist in my continued worship of all things "Her".
The first is Esther Wienstock, a fourth grader from Steven L. Guttenberg Elementary School in Encino...
Hanukah
by Esther Wienstock
4rd Grade
Hanukah is the real fun holiday we celibate at Christmas time because we're Jews. It's really, really fun because we get eight days of presents and Mary McCullough only gets one day of presents because she is a Perspirtarian and believes that Jesus is her personal savior and we don't because Dad says he isn't. And I don't care if Mary has a really big tree in her house and her Dad always climbs on the roof to put lots of lights on it, and a big sled with a waving Santa and real looking raiders that looks real neat because we have lights too. There only blue and white lights because red, green and yellow lights are Christian and we have a menorah we got from Israel with REAL CANDLES on it and I get to light it after saying something in Jewish first.
The reason we have Hanukah is because the Macaroons fought a war in the temple and lost all their oil and their leader had to go to the store and get somemore but it took him eight days to get there because instead of cars they had a mule. When he got there, the light from the oil stayed on so he could find the temple again and that's why we get a lot of presents. We sing songs but I only know one of them and we play with a dradel which is dumb.
I like to open the big boxes first but Mom says I have to open the clothes ones from Aunt Ida and Uncle George but I don't think that should count as a day because they don't live with us. Mary says she gets more presents from Santa than I get from the Macaroons but I tell her there is no Santa because he's in the new testament and that doesn't exist.
I think that more people should celibate Hanukah than Christmas because then there would be more Jews and Grandpa says that there aren't as many because young Jewish men keep dating shiksas, which is wrong. Mary is a shiksa but I don't think she dates Jews because she's only nine and really, really mean.